I wake up in the morning, as I'm getting ready I sit and listen...

He sits in his crib, talking his baby gibberish, happy as can be.  His mom walks in with a big happy hello like she hasn't seen him in days when its really only been a few hours.  He squeals with happiness.  I can see both of there smiles.  She gets his bath ready. As he splashes the water, she makes him laugh and talks to him in a sweet soft voice, asking him if he had good dreams and telling him how much she loves him.

I then leave for work.

I come home to an empty quiet apartment, put my keys on the counter hang my purse up, kick off my shoes and lay on the couch.

 I lay and listen...

They are now in the living room right above me.  The baby boy on the floor, the mother sitting next to him. He is such a happy boy squealing and playing with his toys. She starts singing fun little songs that makes him laugh and squeal some more. Making funny noises, bouncing up and down, playing peek-a-boo just to hear that squeal and little laugh.

I imagine its me and my son as I drift off to sleep.

I sit and watch mothers and there babies everywhere.  I imagine myself at the mall with my baby getting the cutest clothes, I imagine myself and Kyle at a restaurant eating out as a family. I read on blogs about the fun day a mom had with her child and even a bad day they had. I even read facebook comments on how much they are grateful for their children or how their child has learned this or done that for the first time or even how the mother didn't get any sleep the night before, I go through pictures and see how in love that child and mother are. I envy them.

I envy everything about being a mother, the fun, the good and even the bad days. And all I can do is listen and watch.

All I can do is keep telling myself, one day.

Its a new month.

 I am hoping and praying everything starts to turn around for the good. And I can get out of this rut.

 I am still trying to figure out a few things, no scratch that I am trying to figure out a lot of things in my life right now. I think I am ok with that?...I'm ok with that today, ask me tomorrow and I might feel different.
I have to take things day by day.

I went back to the doctors, one because I had some kind of weird allergic reactions and broke out into horrible hives that started just around my incisions and then spread like wild fire. It itched and hurt but mostly drove me crazy! second we had to talk about our options and what went on during surgery & of course about the cancer cells they found.

The hives well the doctor was stumped he had no clue where it was coming from, so I got a prescription for a antibiotic, yay more meds!

The surgery went well like I had talked about in the previous post but we needed to talk about the cancer, I was a little nervous I had no clue what was going to be said or if I was going to have to do radiation, But Dr. B said he is pretty positive that he got it all and that I won't be doing any radiation treatments, Thank goodness! but they do want to keep a close eye on me since I only have one ovary left he doesn't want anything happening to it with cancer or endometriosis.

We also discussed our options again about trying to get pregnant. This is where I get really frustrated. He said we could try everything that we have already done in the past or just try on our own.  The thing that frustrates me the most about this is I am there paying so much money to try and figure this all out but nothing has worked and once again I have to hear Dr. B tell me that they can't help me anymore with trying to get pregnant that even this last time after the surgery him and the board of doctors sat down to look at there difficult cases they had to see if any of them could come up with some new ideas on how to help and they were all just stumped on mine. Once again Dr. B told me the only thing they can do to help me is to try and keep up with the endometriosis and make sure I don't have any more scares with cancer, other than that I can keep trying on our own or re-try all the treatments we have already done.

Feeling like we are at square one all over again 4 years in a row is the hardest thing for me.

I don't know where to go from here, I don't have any answers, I'm out of options.

So, Kyle and I talked about it. well I sobbed and he tried comforting me. After I was done sobbing and Kyle's shirt was soaking wet from me crying on him we decided for now the best for us is to try on our own and at the same time finally complete the adoption paperwork and get that going. So once again if you know of anyone that is expecting & knows its just not there time to keep that child let us know or if you know or have any suggestions about adoption or anything that might help with us getting pregnant let us know. It will be deeply appreciated!  We are looking into a few different things right now, but we would love your prayers, support and any suggestions!

Other than all of that mess, I am getting ready to take Baby B's new born pictures for Kade and Meggan I have a few ideas and keep coming up with more. I just hope they work out the way I see them in my head! I am excited but a little nervous it will be the very fist time I do newborn pictures! Its gonna be a adventure! Now all we have to do is wait patiently for Baby B to come, one more month!