The Beginning.

Kyle and I were married on July 20th, 2007, it was a very hot day, it was actually the exact same day the fire started in Nephi canyon. There are things I look back on and would definitely change, like the photographer we used, that's a story for another day! But the one thing I wouldn't change is the man I married. He's perfect!

Isn't it funny that when a couple first gets married people ask "so when are you going to start trying for kids?" likes its completely up to us!

 We got asked plenty of times and we would always say " oh, not for two years or more" and I really wasn't planning on having any kids till then, again likes its up to us!

About 2 months after we were married I kept having this feeling like we needed to try for a baby, Kyle on the other hand didn't want to hear anything about trying for a baby! So a month came and went and I still had this feeling gnawing at me to try for a baby, so I prayed. I prayed for Kyle's heart to be softened so that we could try for a child and a few days later Kyle agreed to start trying!

Now i wasn't expecting to get pregnant the first time we tried, but I did!

I kept having these pregnancy signs and I just kept telling myself no way it couldn't have happened the first time we tried but on my birthday I took a test and it was positive, the best present I could ask for!

We didn't tell our family members, we wanted it to be a surprise! we had it all planned out, on Christmas we would have everyone open there presents and they would be shirts with labels on them that said grandma, grandpa, aunt ,uncle and then we would break the news. We never got to surprise them.

I stayed up in Utah at my parents a week before Christmas but Kyle was going back home to go to work, I remember the night he left I told him I had changed my mind and I wanted to go with him back home he asked why and I told him I had a bad feeling like something wasn't right or that something was going to happen, he told me everything was OK like a good husband.

Two nights before Christmas Eve, I started to feel pain, cramping, and then some bleeding came, so I called my friend Lauren and asked her what she thought.  I didn't want to talk to my mom because if it wasn't anything I didn't want to ruin the surprise. The next morning the bleeding got worse so I finally went the doctors and they told me I was having a miscarriage.

Sitting in the ultrasound room by myself praying my hardest that when the picture showed my baby everything was going to be fine, as she found my baby she looked at me and excused herself, there wasn't a heart beat, the doctor came in and told me that they don't know why but the baby died about 5 days before, she then left the room so I could be alone, and alone I felt. I sat in that room and cried I then left the hospital.

On the way home I remember calling Kyle and telling him what had happened he tried to understand his best and offered to leave Nevada that night I told him to wait till the morning.

That night I told my parents I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down, I am glad I had my parents there that night to help me through all of it, they have there own experience with miscarriages, they went through 6!

I remember Christmas morning I wasn't excited at all because we had no surprise to tell.

We all have our lives planned out the way we want it to go, but we forget that its not always up to us on some things. My plan, Get married to an amazing guy..check! Have fun for a few years being newlyweds... half check? save money for a house...half check? have a baby....umm??

It didn't work out at all the way we had it planned and I know there is a reason for that but sometimes the Lord knows best or things need to happen or we go through a trial that changes our plans.

For a while after the miscarriage I was very angry and confused, at first I was thinking why? why, would the Lord bless me with a child and take it away from me? I tried to deal with it on my own and that wasn't the right way.

I thought how am I going to make it through all this hurt? I obviously didn't know what I was going to be going through the next 3 years....

I love these pictures, these two have a special bond

The last time I had posted I told you that we would be finding out if I got pregnant or not from the IUI (artificial insemination) and how I felt some pregnancy signs, well we aren't expecting, the test was negative.

For some reason this last month was a hard one for me, I obviously got my hopes up and then they came crashing down, nothing new, I do this every month. It's just that this month was different we were moving forward doing something new and I swear I was pregnant! With all the signs and how I felt but I wasn't, and this is when I have my down days where I go through a grieving process everyone in this situation I know understands about this grieving process for me it goes a little something like this...

When I first find out that I am not pregnant, and my period comes the first 24 hours I am on pain killers because I hurt real bad! so I'm usually out of it.

after that I don't want to get out of bed I just want to feel sorry for myself for a little bit.

I cry

then I get angry,

confused ,

I start to question,

I get frustrated,

cry some more,

I pray and pray and pray

and last I feel like everything is going to be OK and to keep trying.

and last but certainly not least I have an amazing support system, with Kyle, my family, and friends. That's what helps me get through this month by month is every ones support and prayers and my heart is filled with enormous gratitude!

I love you all! and mom thank you for the very long and needed talk it helped me a lot!

That's what I go through every month, well at least a glimpse of what I feel and are trying to understand as I go through all this, there is a whole other side to it besides the infertility part of the decease. but that's for another day.

So this month, what are we doing different? well I went to another doctor she is a female and I thought that maybe she would be able to understand a little bit better of where I am coming from, not that Dr. JB isn't an excellent doctor because he is and he will continue to keep doing my surgeries, and is still my main doctor.

but Dr. B is ready to help me with different options and that's what we need right now

and I will go into more detail of it all next post.

I have all these journals around my house that I keep so whenever I need to write I do, and I feel like it is important to write down every experience we have so that when we do have children and say I'm having a bad day, because my child is teething, or sick, or just really grumpy you know those days where the mom just needs to have a few moments alone to collect her thoughts! well when I have one of those days I can go back and look at my journals and see everything we went through to have that child and then my bad day can turn back to good and I can look at my family and see how blessed I am to have one of my own, something I always have wanted (something I will have one day! )

but I also feel like its not enough I feel like I need to write down my experience not just in my personal journals but in my blog as well and I have done that to a point but its been more complaining and of just my bad days, so after a few days of clearing my head I have decided to make this blog about what we are going through not just the bad days, the good days, the confused days,our different tests and doctors visits it will be about how I felt at that moment. It's going to be personal because its my own personal experience, and I will most definitely have my own opinion in this blog, because lets face it what we are going through is a very personal thing and I need you to respect that, but I also don't want you to be afraid to write a comment or read it, it just gives you a better outlook on what couples go through with infertility, and who knows it may help someone or someone can come upon my blog and write something that I needed to hear, that has happened plenty of times. I will start at the beginning of our journey and catch up to where we are now, just one warning it really is a roller coaster of emotions, and if you don't want to read about it then that's fine don't because it really is for me so that I can look back on this trial when I need to see how blessed I am.

Because I truly am blessed!

I have been extremely tired this last week, extremely tired, nauseated, and I have had cramps off and on but now they have turned into little twinges here and there, I also have soar you know whatas, and they are swollen, I like that part only because I can finally feel like other women and have some what of a womanly figure! oh and I have acne, yes acne I have never had acne on my face before not even in high school I thank my dad for that! so all you women out there that have had children what were your first pregnancy signs?

A lot of this sounds like early pregnancy signs but the thing that sucks for me is that a lot of signs that endometriosis causes are extremely similar to early pregnancy signs right before you start your period! so this is why I get my hopes up every month and then they come crashing down when the dreaded appears!

But I'm not losing faith, my husband gave me a very beautiful blessing the other night, it was so spiritual and it was his first time giving me a blessing, he gets nervous and I don't ever know why because his prayers are very spiritual and beautiful!
I also have so many family members and friends praying for me and Kyle and that means so much to me, to think about all the family and friends that remember us in there prayers just makes me cry and feel very loved, and that's is what I need is to feel loved and to not loose faith because all of these friends and family members aren't losing faith in us why should I!

we still don't know if I am pregnant or not and we will have a little while when we find out, but lately I have been told by so many people that we are in there prayers, people I haven't seen or talked to in years and that means so much to me!

I just want to Thank you all for the prayers and support it means more than you will ever know to us, we really do appreciate you all and are so very thankful!

whew! these past few weeks have been a little crazy! I have so many pictures that I need to load onto my laptop and post but just haven't had the time so this is another post without pictures,

where do I start?

We have moved, just to Provo above Kade and Meggan just for the summer until we find another place, I'm pretty excited to live right above Kade and Meggan we are going to have tons of fun this summer! and including all my family, ALL even Callee is now up north so I am pretty excited that we are all going to have some fun time! I sure need it, its been a long winter! but if anyone knows of a CLEAN 2 bedroom apartment for rent let us know!

We are still trying for a baby, but we finally are doing something different since I have been doing the fertility treatments for two years now and haven't been successful, so we have recently done artificial insemination we are praying this will work, we know we will have a higher chance of having twins with doing this and fertility but the way we are looking at it now, is we are lucky to even just to have one if we had two it would be an even bigger blessing. Doing the AI gives us a higher chance of me getting pregnant, without fertility or AI or IVF I only have a 10-15% chance of getting pregnant this will raise the percentage to about 25-30% not much but maybe that is all we need.

I will spare you the details but I will just say it was a very awkward situation for both my husband and I, for me I am now getting used to all the awkward doctors appointments and treatments I have been through the past few years but it was a first for Kyle, but he was very supportive and that's all I ask! So now we wait for two weeks and see if we were successful, keep us in your prayers, please! And hopefully the next time I post it will be with some good news and pictures!