The last time I blogged I said I was going to go private which I am it just hasn't happened....I promise it will, just not yet. Until then here is the last 6 months!

This beautiful little girl,

Tayen Devri Butterfield
was born on April 4, 2011

First time taking new born pictures, I think they turned out pretty cute. Tayen was wide awake the whole time but those big beautiful eyes made the pictures even better! 

This is Kade and Meggan's 2nd little girl and of course she is as beautiful as Dejanae! And just like Deja her hair started out dark and we thought maybe Tayen would be the one that took after Kade and stay dark but sure enough she ended up with blonde hair and blue eyes just like her older sister...

She is now 7 almost 8 months old and cute as ever and getting even more cute!

I am so lucky to be so close with my nieces, I love them very much!

About a few weeks after Tayen was born I did a little photo shoot with the very photogenic Butterfield family.

Even though both little girls were a little cranky by the end I had a lot of fun and I think they turned out pretty good! I always have fun taking the Butterfield's family pictures, they make it so easy!

Man I love them all <3

My next post will be about a fun Florida trip and a very handsome little boys 3rd birthday...

GOING PRIVATE!

Its been quite a long time since I last posted, but we have been pretty busy and I have a lot to post about! But before I do I decided I needed to go private. I know we don't have our own children (yet!) but I post a lot about family and 98% of my pictures are of my cute nieces and nephew!

So, we are going private, leave your email addresses! If I don't know you that well or if you know kyle or one of my family members  more than me and you have been following don't be shy to leave you email address and I will add you!

I will change to private in a week or so! Hope ya'll have had an amazing summer!

I wake up in the morning, as I'm getting ready I sit and listen...

He sits in his crib, talking his baby gibberish, happy as can be.  His mom walks in with a big happy hello like she hasn't seen him in days when its really only been a few hours.  He squeals with happiness.  I can see both of there smiles.  She gets his bath ready. As he splashes the water, she makes him laugh and talks to him in a sweet soft voice, asking him if he had good dreams and telling him how much she loves him.

I then leave for work.

I come home to an empty quiet apartment, put my keys on the counter hang my purse up, kick off my shoes and lay on the couch.

 I lay and listen...

They are now in the living room right above me.  The baby boy on the floor, the mother sitting next to him. He is such a happy boy squealing and playing with his toys. She starts singing fun little songs that makes him laugh and squeal some more. Making funny noises, bouncing up and down, playing peek-a-boo just to hear that squeal and little laugh.

I imagine its me and my son as I drift off to sleep.

I sit and watch mothers and there babies everywhere.  I imagine myself at the mall with my baby getting the cutest clothes, I imagine myself and Kyle at a restaurant eating out as a family. I read on blogs about the fun day a mom had with her child and even a bad day they had. I even read facebook comments on how much they are grateful for their children or how their child has learned this or done that for the first time or even how the mother didn't get any sleep the night before, I go through pictures and see how in love that child and mother are. I envy them.

I envy everything about being a mother, the fun, the good and even the bad days. And all I can do is listen and watch.

All I can do is keep telling myself, one day.

Its a new month.

 I am hoping and praying everything starts to turn around for the good. And I can get out of this rut.

 I am still trying to figure out a few things, no scratch that I am trying to figure out a lot of things in my life right now. I think I am ok with that?...I'm ok with that today, ask me tomorrow and I might feel different.
I have to take things day by day.

I went back to the doctors, one because I had some kind of weird allergic reactions and broke out into horrible hives that started just around my incisions and then spread like wild fire. It itched and hurt but mostly drove me crazy! second we had to talk about our options and what went on during surgery & of course about the cancer cells they found.

The hives well the doctor was stumped he had no clue where it was coming from, so I got a prescription for a antibiotic, yay more meds!

The surgery went well like I had talked about in the previous post but we needed to talk about the cancer, I was a little nervous I had no clue what was going to be said or if I was going to have to do radiation, But Dr. B said he is pretty positive that he got it all and that I won't be doing any radiation treatments, Thank goodness! but they do want to keep a close eye on me since I only have one ovary left he doesn't want anything happening to it with cancer or endometriosis.

We also discussed our options again about trying to get pregnant. This is where I get really frustrated. He said we could try everything that we have already done in the past or just try on our own.  The thing that frustrates me the most about this is I am there paying so much money to try and figure this all out but nothing has worked and once again I have to hear Dr. B tell me that they can't help me anymore with trying to get pregnant that even this last time after the surgery him and the board of doctors sat down to look at there difficult cases they had to see if any of them could come up with some new ideas on how to help and they were all just stumped on mine. Once again Dr. B told me the only thing they can do to help me is to try and keep up with the endometriosis and make sure I don't have any more scares with cancer, other than that I can keep trying on our own or re-try all the treatments we have already done.

Feeling like we are at square one all over again 4 years in a row is the hardest thing for me.

I don't know where to go from here, I don't have any answers, I'm out of options.

So, Kyle and I talked about it. well I sobbed and he tried comforting me. After I was done sobbing and Kyle's shirt was soaking wet from me crying on him we decided for now the best for us is to try on our own and at the same time finally complete the adoption paperwork and get that going. So once again if you know of anyone that is expecting & knows its just not there time to keep that child let us know or if you know or have any suggestions about adoption or anything that might help with us getting pregnant let us know. It will be deeply appreciated!  We are looking into a few different things right now, but we would love your prayers, support and any suggestions!

Other than all of that mess, I am getting ready to take Baby B's new born pictures for Kade and Meggan I have a few ideas and keep coming up with more. I just hope they work out the way I see them in my head! I am excited but a little nervous it will be the very fist time I do newborn pictures! Its gonna be a adventure! Now all we have to do is wait patiently for Baby B to come, one more month!

The Good & The Bad

The surgery is done and over with and now I am laying in bed trying to recover. I really hate this part, the laying in bed. It drives me insane to lay here like this as long as I have to. I am bored out of my mind and I am sick of watching movies.I finally convinced Kyle into taking me for a short ride in the car yesterday, that was a bad idea.

This time the recovery is a little different than it has been in the past two years. Physically its longer and mentally well I'm just not sure about how I feel right now, its different.

We arrived at the hospital at six that morning, there was no one there just me and Kyle and the nurses. I was the first surgery scheduled for the day. My name was called to go back for all my blood work, I have scars on my arms from all the blood work I have had done. It used to freak me out, needles and all but now it doesn't bug me one bit. Now I have to watch them put the needle in my arm.  We then were directed up to the 4th floor which is the surgical floor. I checked in with the nurses there and we signed all the legal paperwork and then I was showed to my room for the day.
I got changed into the hospital gown and layed in bed thinking it was going to be like all the other years and we would then wait for four-five hours but we waited about a half hour and the nurses came back in to put my IV in, I then talked to the anesthetist and then Dr. B. It was weird this time I felt a little rushed. The next thing I know they were wheeling me to the surgical room.

I woke up in the recovery room with the nurses yelling at the guy next to me telling him to breathe! He had a bad reaction to the anesthetics, its scary I did that last time...

I woke up, I was in my room with Kyle by my side and my mom at my feet she smiled at me and asked how I was doing...

I woke up with the nurse asking if I was in any pain, I told her yes closed my eyes but could hear my mom tell Kyle that she had to go and that she would stop by the apartment later...

I woke up with the nurse telling me I needed to eat and asking what I wanted I didn't know so i just told her the first thing that came out of her mouth was fine.. she brought some back I ate one and layed my head back down...

I woke up telling Kyle and the nurse that I needed to throw up she said, let me get you something to make it so you don't, I told her no, that I wanted to throw up so I could start feeling better. I couldn't, I didn't have anything in my system...

I woke up having to throw up again and finally did, oh thank goodness! I told Kyle I wanted to go home..He got the nurse to bring our papers she then started the very long process of explaining things to Kyle and I to be able to sign off on the discharge papers. In the middle of explaining I dozed off my nurse snapped me back, I got irritated and told her I have done this two times before I know what to do.

She finally brought the wheel chair, loaded me in our car and we headed home.

I woke up in the parking lot of our apartment complex puking my guts out, made it into my bedroom and puked my guts out again.

Let just say the rest of the night I couldn't keep anything down not even a sip of water, no joke. I would literally have a sip of water and a minute later throw it up and for the next 10 min dry heave. It was horrible. It hurt my stomach so bad.

About 11 that night I finally sucked on a cough drop, the only minty thing we had at the moment and I was fine but starving. I ate a whole loaf of bread, seriously a whole brand spankin new loaf of bread and then I was out the rest of the night.

The next day when I actually knew what was going on Kyle told me I was only in surgery for 2 hours, 2 hours! Usually I am in there for 4-5 hours. But I was in recovery for 6 ha! I really don't do good with being put under it makes my body relax a little too much and I get extremely sick.

The Good news.. there was no endometriosis on my liver at all this time (last year it was covered) there was some on my abdominal cavity, none on my right ovary, both my right and left ovarian tubes were clear, only a little on my uterus and other than that no where else, that is really good news. It means we have finally caught up with it and keeping it somewhat under control!

The bad news...from the other surgeries and damage of the endometriosis there was a lot of scar tissue, my cyst had went from a 10cm to a 15cm the largest I have had, the entire cyst and ovary was covered in endometriosis and when they cut out the left ovary they found a lot of endometriosis that they couldn't get to in the years past, they also found cancer on my ovary and cyst. Dr B says if we wouldn't have gone in and did the surgery and if they didn't cut out that ovary they wouldn't have found the cancer in time, he said given it another 8 months to a year I would have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, depending on how fast it was spreading. So Dr B. searched and looked all over and didn't see any signs of the cancer anywhere else. He is pretty confident that when he cut out the ovary and the endometriosis that he got all the cancer.

I am so thankful that we went in when we did, it scares me to think that the cancer was even there. I am also thankful that I have been doing the surgeries so that we could catch up to this decease and see the cancer before it got really serious.

Our next step, I have no clue. Dr. B wants to get me on clomed ASAP, he thinks now that we took out the left ovary we have a good chance of getting pregnant keeping in mind that there is still a lot that comes into play with endometriosis than just the ovaries. And we will of course be keeping a better eye on my body!
I just don't know if I am ready to jump right back in there with all the treatments again, its such a emotional and physical roller coaster and with the scare we had this time I'm a little freaked out and I have a lot to think about I guess. I am relieved about the good news but scared about the bad news, I don't even know if any of it has really hit me.
Time will tell, right now I just need to recover... and count my blessings.

I'm starting to get really nervous! I don't know why I've had this surgery twice before. On a good note, I get to go on a hot date with my hubby tonight! Dinner at one of my favorite places Olive Garden and a movie we were thinking of seeing Fighter, I heard it was good?? I really want to go see Tangled, I thought it looked cute but Kyle wouldn't go for it. I also get to go to Victoria's Secret and get some new sweats to lounge around in for three weeks, I love sweats they are the best if it didn't look completely lazy and gross I would wear them all the time.

Did I mention I'm really getting nervous, I really don't know why...I'm thinking it might be because they are taking something out of me, but why, its not serious that they are taking out my ovary, or maybe its because Dr. B had the serious talk with me about the big C. I really personally don't think they will find any cancer on my ovary, if they left it in for another year then maybe there would be but I don't think there is this time. You never know anymore, Kyle has a family member that just had a scare with the big C. We are all praying that they get it taken care of and that she will be OK. I guess it just shows you how much everything can change in such little time, it can just hit you and your whole world is turned upside down.

I really need to start taking care of myself, I need to be more active. Lately, I go to work sit there all day (not because I choose to sit all day because I have to) go home and sit around and fall asleep. I have been lazy on cooking full meals and just grabbing take out or just throwing something in the microwave. I really need to start working out again I have plenty of time after work, and I need to make good meals for us. The only time I have been active has been a few weekends when I have played the kinect with family, we are totally getting one of those and hopefully soon, they are a blast!

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. I hate when he goes out of town to work, its bitter sweet. It makes me worry about him which then makes me miss him. He is gone 3 weeks out of the month working 7 days a week at crazy hours, I don't know how much longer his body can take it he is getting burned out, he is getting older ya know. He is such a hard worker he will never admit that he is getting burned out though.  I wish he could find some work closer to home. But we are all grateful for the work he does have. I just miss him, we all do. Every year for my surgery, right before they take me back and I am extremely anxious and nervous I call my dad, he helps calm my nerves. We talk for about 10-15 minutes I tell him what I am nervous about and he talks me through it all, we've done it for the past two surgeries and I know he will do it again this time taking time out of his busy work day just to make sure I'm OK. I can't wait to see him next week.

There is really no point for this post except for the fact that I am really nervous for my surgery and I have no clue why. And the fact that I'm at work with nothing to do so I keep thinking about it.  I also have so much to get done before Tuesday so that Kyle isn't trying to do it all plus work and go to school and take care of me, because he would try and do it all, he is sweet like that, and now that I am talking about him its making me miss him to, I just want to go home and crawl into bed with him and snuggle up with him, I know he is sleeping right now because he took an extra shift at the boys home which was a grave so that he could be with me on Tuesday. See, what a sweetheart.

I better stop now or I'm gonna start missing everyone.

I don't know what to title this posting??

3rd time's a charm....At it again...?

What am I blabbing about, well every February I get my surgery, and every February is just us having to start over with the whole baby situation. Blah.Blah.Blah.

It puts so much stress on me, and I'm sure me being all stressed out drives kyle crazy I drive myself crazy when I am like this.

This is how it is.  We go in at the end of November first of December, Dr. B is always booked a month out. We sit in one of his very nice offices and chat about life pretty much then we get down to the seriousness of us being there. Dr. B is very easy to talk to he is very positive but truthful and he puts my crazy thoughts and worries to rest, and makes me see the reality of the disease.

This last year Kyle and I did everything we could to figure out this whole baby situation upping my clomid dosage, doing multiple IUI's even getting turned down by a invetro specialist...OK, so he didn't say No but he did say because of the way my uterus is and looks he didn't feel confident that I would get pregnant (I felt like I was in that movie Baby Mama) but he did say that we could still try and if it didn't work we could keep trying, ya like we have the money to do that $5,000.00 for every time we tried and then if it did work we would pay the rest of the 15,000.00 that's not gonna happen! After that we were just so frustrated that we decided that we were going to stop trying for a little while that I and my body needed a break, I was literally making myself sick with everything I was putting myself through.

So since August we haven't seen or talked to Dr. B and walking into that appointment I was a little nervous that Dr. B was going to be a little upset with us but he totally understood.

 I thought that these last 6 months I got to that point where I was really, honestly OK with the whole baby situation I mean we were fine with just letting it go and going ahead with the adoption papers, we never turned them in but we do have them filled out, don't ask! We've been having fun being married and just letting the situation go for a bit.

BUT...

I started feeling horrible pain again and I just knew I had another cyst, and the endometriosis was doing its best to spread and cause pain on me. So after making my appointment I just wanted it to be all over, I wanted it all out I wanted them to take my uterus out so the pain would stop!

So I of course jumped right in and told Dr. B that this time I wanted him to remove my uterus and he said, NO!  I was to young and that he thought I had another year, but he was nervous about my left ovary.  Each surgery my left ovary has gotten worse and more diseased and he is worried about cancer.  Once again we went through our options and I guess what really got me this time is that in the past 4 years our options have all been about me getting pregnant and this time it was all about doing something for the pain and the health of my body, the whole baby thing went out the window. Dr. B tried being as positive as he could but we have done everything possible to get us pregnant.  And I have to admit I am a little crushed, and confused.

So why am I crushed when I went in there ready for Dr. B to take out my uterus? when I am in pain I am ready to get rid of it all and just take out my uterus and be done with this whole mess. No it won't cure me from the disease but it will help, it will help so it won't spread it will help so I am not always tired and sick and in pain and at times I feel that if I just get it taken out then its not a guessing game any more I will just know it is done with and I can't have kids at all and then maybe just maybe I can start getting over all this and move on...?

I always have a hard time with the whole surgery thing because we go all year trying everything, exhausting every option out there and then realizing that another year has gone by and we are at square one again getting ready for another surgery.

Once again we weren't successful.

This year I guess I thought it was going to be a bit different since I really thought I was OK, but really I was just hiding everything I just put it in the back of my mind. In my mind frame these last 6 months has been, "I'm Ok, we aren't going to have our own kids and I am ok with that." Maybe me disease isn't as bad as I think it is yes I have horrible pain but so do a lot of women out there I just need to deal with it and move on with my life" and really that's what I started doing. Kyle and I even talked about not even having the surgery this year, but at our last appointment in August I did have another large cyst and we did need to go and check to see if I still had it so that's when I made the appointment with Dr. B.

Going in there and talking about everything and finding out the cyst had grown and my endometriosis was as  bad as it was before, deep down I knew all of that. I guess it just became reality all over again.

Lets just say once we were out of the office and heading home I had a melt down.

All of it becoming reality all over again, Dr. B not even letting us talk about the option of taking out my uterus, not having any more options for the baby situation, taking out my ovary, and cancer talk just threw me over the edge. I realized that for the past 6 months when I thought I was fine I really wasn't I was just holding everything in and trying to bury it.

And I know, I really do know that there have been plenty of women out there that have gotten pregnant with less, and there have been women out there that couldn't get pregnant for years and then they got rid of one of there ovaries and they then got pregnant pretty easy, and I really do pray that that will happen to us. But do remember everyone is different and there are different stages of this disease.  Me, I have stage 4 and I have the nasty endometriosis that effects deep into my body and spreads like crazy I am also smaller in size which helps the endometriosis do its dirty work. Just keep those things in mind. I do appreciate the positive comments and one day I really do know I will be a mother either if its ours or if we adopt.

As we are trying our best to stay positive about all this and keep trying for a bundle of joy, if  I could ask you a favor??

When we were talking to LDS services about adoption some of the options they were telling us to do was let people, friends, family know through word of mouth, on our blog or even facebook that we are interested in adoption. If you know of any one that works with any agencies or even know of someone that is pregnant and is looking into the option of adopting there child out. I ask that you keep us in mind, We really would love the chance to be parents!

 This little Cheese ball turned 2 on Christmas!

I just love this little girl! Its crazy how much love kyle and I have for her.  We are always talking about how smart and such a little goof she is, with a little bossy attitude on the side!  I will always say no matter how old she is or gets that she has such a special spirit about her just like her uncle Brock.  If I am having a bad day I always want to go see my cakers she always just makes things so much better and makes me laugh, or if I can't go see her I get on my computer and look at all the pictures I have of her, that smile and personality just makes you forget your stress and worries.  I can't go long with out seeing her, I start to have withdrawals! 

Deja Cakers is so smart and is such a little talker it amazes me each time she talks to me because she learns so quickly and talks so clearly! and oh boy, she is so animated when she talks, I love it! She just gets more and more beautiful. Gol, I just love her!

 with each present she got to open her first response was always "Ooo, Cute!" She was very spoiled this year, but none of us would have it any other way, I mean who couldn't spoil that beautiful face!

A few days after Christmas Kyle and I took Deja on a special birthday date. We took her to Blinkenstaff's down in the Riverbottoms, its a adorable candy and toy store if you haven't been I suggest you go! Deja couldn't decide what she wanted out of the toys because she pretty much just got everything from her birthday and Christmas...and she kept eyeing and wandering over to the candy so we let her pick out what she wanted and filled a bag full! (sorry Megg!)

After we were all hopped up on our sugar high we decided to get it out of our system by going to Kangaroo Zoo, we've taken Deja before and she loved it so we took her again, and we had a blast even uncle Kyle!

The next two pictures make me laugh, Deja went down first and then Kyle came down telling her he was "gonna get her!" and she was trying so hard to hurry and get out of there, but was laughing too hard she could barely crawl!

And he finally caught her!

Happy second birthday Deja! We love you very much!

This year Kyle and I didn't do Christmas (we are saving for a fun trip in May:)) But we had fun visiting each of our families and seeing what Santa brought them!

Christmas Eve we spent with my family having dinner, watching Christmas movies, opening our Christmas Eve present (our Christmas PJ's) and laughing at Deja while we were all supposed to be paying attention to the Christmas story that was being read.

 Christmas Day we went to my parents to see what they got, and after we headed over to Kade and Meggan's house to see what Santa brought Dejanae!

After we headed down to sanpete to do our white elephant gifts and have a Christmas dinner.

what we got for our white elephant gifts Kyle of course had the funniest one and I really wish I could post it on here but he would kill me and a lot of you wouldn't want to see it!

 My very first time cooking a turkey, and I have to say it turned out pretty good!

 Celebrating Robert's birthday!

Playing Kinect all night, I was so sore the next morning!

The weekend before Christmas we went out to eat to Tucanos for Kaden's birthday and then headed up to Salt Lake to see the Temple lights.

 The spot where Kyle proposed almost 4 years ago!

A cute little shark playing in the snow!

I promised Gentry (my littlest sister) that I would take her for a day and do some pictures for her. We had a lot of fun, and Gentry really is very easy for photograph, she is just so beautiful. I will probably be taking some of her and Brock both soon hopefully they turn out the way I plan! every time I do go out and take some pictures I get really nervous, I still have a lot to learn!