Kyle and I were married on July 20th, 2007, it was a very hot day, it was actually the exact same day the fire started in Nephi canyon. There are things I look back on and would definitely change, like the photographer we used, that's a story for another day! But the one thing I wouldn't change is the man I married. He's perfect!
Isn't it funny that when a couple first gets married people ask "so when are you going to start trying for kids?" likes its completely up to us!
We got asked plenty of times and we would always say " oh, not for two years or more" and I really wasn't planning on having any kids till then, again likes its up to us!
About 2 months after we were married I kept having this feeling like we needed to try for a baby, Kyle on the other hand didn't want to hear anything about trying for a baby! So a month came and went and I still had this feeling gnawing at me to try for a baby, so I prayed. I prayed for Kyle's heart to be softened so that we could try for a child and a few days later Kyle agreed to start trying!
Now i wasn't expecting to get pregnant the first time we tried, but I did!
I kept having these pregnancy signs and I just kept telling myself no way it couldn't have happened the first time we tried but on my birthday I took a test and it was positive, the best present I could ask for!
We didn't tell our family members, we wanted it to be a surprise! we had it all planned out, on Christmas we would have everyone open there presents and they would be shirts with labels on them that said grandma, grandpa, aunt ,uncle and then we would break the news. We never got to surprise them.
I stayed up in Utah at my parents a week before Christmas but Kyle was going back home to go to work, I remember the night he left I told him I had changed my mind and I wanted to go with him back home he asked why and I told him I had a bad feeling like something wasn't right or that something was going to happen, he told me everything was OK like a good husband.
Two nights before Christmas Eve, I started to feel pain, cramping, and then some bleeding came, so I called my friend Lauren and asked her what she thought. I didn't want to talk to my mom because if it wasn't anything I didn't want to ruin the surprise. The next morning the bleeding got worse so I finally went the doctors and they told me I was having a miscarriage.
Sitting in the ultrasound room by myself praying my hardest that when the picture showed my baby everything was going to be fine, as she found my baby she looked at me and excused herself, there wasn't a heart beat, the doctor came in and told me that they don't know why but the baby died about 5 days before, she then left the room so I could be alone, and alone I felt. I sat in that room and cried I then left the hospital.
On the way home I remember calling Kyle and telling him what had happened he tried to understand his best and offered to leave Nevada that night I told him to wait till the morning.
That night I told my parents I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down, I am glad I had my parents there that night to help me through all of it, they have there own experience with miscarriages, they went through 6!
I remember Christmas morning I wasn't excited at all because we had no surprise to tell.
We all have our lives planned out the way we want it to go, but we forget that its not always up to us on some things. My plan, Get married to an amazing guy..check! Have fun for a few years being newlyweds... half check? save money for a house...half check? have a baby....umm??
It didn't work out at all the way we had it planned and I know there is a reason for that but sometimes the Lord knows best or things need to happen or we go through a trial that changes our plans.
For a while after the miscarriage I was very angry and confused, at first I was thinking why? why, would the Lord bless me with a child and take it away from me? I tried to deal with it on my own and that wasn't the right way.
I thought how am I going to make it through all this hurt? I obviously didn't know what I was going to be going through the next 3 years....
1 comment:
Hey girl, it's been awhile but I've been reading your blog and I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. I have no clue what it's like to have a miscarriage or to want to be pregnant so badly. I do on the other hand have friends that have went down the same road you have. I know your situation is different because you have endometriosis, but I thought maybe you could talk to my friend Stacey Willardson (Johansen). I'm sure Kyle knows her if you don't. She had problems getting pregnant and went through everything imaginable. She just had twins 2 weeks ago!!! Also, Sha Jacobson (Sheperd) went to the same docotor and she is now pregnant after trying for 7 years!!! Maybe it would help you to talk to her and get in contact with the doctor they used. I guess he's really good:) I will leave you my email address and if you're interested I can give you her contact information. She's super nice and would love to talk with you. I hope it all works out for you and I wish you the BEST! My email address is kanderson2002@gmail.com (please don't be afraid to contact me, especially if you are interested in talking to her).
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