I love these pictures, these two have a special bond

The last time I had posted I told you that we would be finding out if I got pregnant or not from the IUI (artificial insemination) and how I felt some pregnancy signs, well we aren't expecting, the test was negative.

For some reason this last month was a hard one for me, I obviously got my hopes up and then they came crashing down, nothing new, I do this every month. It's just that this month was different we were moving forward doing something new and I swear I was pregnant! With all the signs and how I felt but I wasn't, and this is when I have my down days where I go through a grieving process everyone in this situation I know understands about this grieving process for me it goes a little something like this...

When I first find out that I am not pregnant, and my period comes the first 24 hours I am on pain killers because I hurt real bad! so I'm usually out of it.

after that I don't want to get out of bed I just want to feel sorry for myself for a little bit.

I cry

then I get angry,

confused ,

I start to question,

I get frustrated,

cry some more,

I pray and pray and pray

and last I feel like everything is going to be OK and to keep trying.

and last but certainly not least I have an amazing support system, with Kyle, my family, and friends. That's what helps me get through this month by month is every ones support and prayers and my heart is filled with enormous gratitude!

I love you all! and mom thank you for the very long and needed talk it helped me a lot!

That's what I go through every month, well at least a glimpse of what I feel and are trying to understand as I go through all this, there is a whole other side to it besides the infertility part of the decease. but that's for another day.

So this month, what are we doing different? well I went to another doctor she is a female and I thought that maybe she would be able to understand a little bit better of where I am coming from, not that Dr. JB isn't an excellent doctor because he is and he will continue to keep doing my surgeries, and is still my main doctor.

but Dr. B is ready to help me with different options and that's what we need right now

and I will go into more detail of it all next post.

I have all these journals around my house that I keep so whenever I need to write I do, and I feel like it is important to write down every experience we have so that when we do have children and say I'm having a bad day, because my child is teething, or sick, or just really grumpy you know those days where the mom just needs to have a few moments alone to collect her thoughts! well when I have one of those days I can go back and look at my journals and see everything we went through to have that child and then my bad day can turn back to good and I can look at my family and see how blessed I am to have one of my own, something I always have wanted (something I will have one day! )

but I also feel like its not enough I feel like I need to write down my experience not just in my personal journals but in my blog as well and I have done that to a point but its been more complaining and of just my bad days, so after a few days of clearing my head I have decided to make this blog about what we are going through not just the bad days, the good days, the confused days,our different tests and doctors visits it will be about how I felt at that moment. It's going to be personal because its my own personal experience, and I will most definitely have my own opinion in this blog, because lets face it what we are going through is a very personal thing and I need you to respect that, but I also don't want you to be afraid to write a comment or read it, it just gives you a better outlook on what couples go through with infertility, and who knows it may help someone or someone can come upon my blog and write something that I needed to hear, that has happened plenty of times. I will start at the beginning of our journey and catch up to where we are now, just one warning it really is a roller coaster of emotions, and if you don't want to read about it then that's fine don't because it really is for me so that I can look back on this trial when I need to see how blessed I am.

Because I truly am blessed!