I don't know what to title this posting??

3rd time's a charm....At it again...?

What am I blabbing about, well every February I get my surgery, and every February is just us having to start over with the whole baby situation. Blah.Blah.Blah.

It puts so much stress on me, and I'm sure me being all stressed out drives kyle crazy I drive myself crazy when I am like this.

This is how it is.  We go in at the end of November first of December, Dr. B is always booked a month out. We sit in one of his very nice offices and chat about life pretty much then we get down to the seriousness of us being there. Dr. B is very easy to talk to he is very positive but truthful and he puts my crazy thoughts and worries to rest, and makes me see the reality of the disease.

This last year Kyle and I did everything we could to figure out this whole baby situation upping my clomid dosage, doing multiple IUI's even getting turned down by a invetro specialist...OK, so he didn't say No but he did say because of the way my uterus is and looks he didn't feel confident that I would get pregnant (I felt like I was in that movie Baby Mama) but he did say that we could still try and if it didn't work we could keep trying, ya like we have the money to do that $5,000.00 for every time we tried and then if it did work we would pay the rest of the 15,000.00 that's not gonna happen! After that we were just so frustrated that we decided that we were going to stop trying for a little while that I and my body needed a break, I was literally making myself sick with everything I was putting myself through.

So since August we haven't seen or talked to Dr. B and walking into that appointment I was a little nervous that Dr. B was going to be a little upset with us but he totally understood.

 I thought that these last 6 months I got to that point where I was really, honestly OK with the whole baby situation I mean we were fine with just letting it go and going ahead with the adoption papers, we never turned them in but we do have them filled out, don't ask! We've been having fun being married and just letting the situation go for a bit.

BUT...

I started feeling horrible pain again and I just knew I had another cyst, and the endometriosis was doing its best to spread and cause pain on me. So after making my appointment I just wanted it to be all over, I wanted it all out I wanted them to take my uterus out so the pain would stop!

So I of course jumped right in and told Dr. B that this time I wanted him to remove my uterus and he said, NO!  I was to young and that he thought I had another year, but he was nervous about my left ovary.  Each surgery my left ovary has gotten worse and more diseased and he is worried about cancer.  Once again we went through our options and I guess what really got me this time is that in the past 4 years our options have all been about me getting pregnant and this time it was all about doing something for the pain and the health of my body, the whole baby thing went out the window. Dr. B tried being as positive as he could but we have done everything possible to get us pregnant.  And I have to admit I am a little crushed, and confused.

So why am I crushed when I went in there ready for Dr. B to take out my uterus? when I am in pain I am ready to get rid of it all and just take out my uterus and be done with this whole mess. No it won't cure me from the disease but it will help, it will help so it won't spread it will help so I am not always tired and sick and in pain and at times I feel that if I just get it taken out then its not a guessing game any more I will just know it is done with and I can't have kids at all and then maybe just maybe I can start getting over all this and move on...?

I always have a hard time with the whole surgery thing because we go all year trying everything, exhausting every option out there and then realizing that another year has gone by and we are at square one again getting ready for another surgery.

Once again we weren't successful.

This year I guess I thought it was going to be a bit different since I really thought I was OK, but really I was just hiding everything I just put it in the back of my mind. In my mind frame these last 6 months has been, "I'm Ok, we aren't going to have our own kids and I am ok with that." Maybe me disease isn't as bad as I think it is yes I have horrible pain but so do a lot of women out there I just need to deal with it and move on with my life" and really that's what I started doing. Kyle and I even talked about not even having the surgery this year, but at our last appointment in August I did have another large cyst and we did need to go and check to see if I still had it so that's when I made the appointment with Dr. B.

Going in there and talking about everything and finding out the cyst had grown and my endometriosis was as  bad as it was before, deep down I knew all of that. I guess it just became reality all over again.

Lets just say once we were out of the office and heading home I had a melt down.

All of it becoming reality all over again, Dr. B not even letting us talk about the option of taking out my uterus, not having any more options for the baby situation, taking out my ovary, and cancer talk just threw me over the edge. I realized that for the past 6 months when I thought I was fine I really wasn't I was just holding everything in and trying to bury it.

And I know, I really do know that there have been plenty of women out there that have gotten pregnant with less, and there have been women out there that couldn't get pregnant for years and then they got rid of one of there ovaries and they then got pregnant pretty easy, and I really do pray that that will happen to us. But do remember everyone is different and there are different stages of this disease.  Me, I have stage 4 and I have the nasty endometriosis that effects deep into my body and spreads like crazy I am also smaller in size which helps the endometriosis do its dirty work. Just keep those things in mind. I do appreciate the positive comments and one day I really do know I will be a mother either if its ours or if we adopt.

As we are trying our best to stay positive about all this and keep trying for a bundle of joy, if  I could ask you a favor??

When we were talking to LDS services about adoption some of the options they were telling us to do was let people, friends, family know through word of mouth, on our blog or even facebook that we are interested in adoption. If you know of any one that works with any agencies or even know of someone that is pregnant and is looking into the option of adopting there child out. I ask that you keep us in mind, We really would love the chance to be parents!