Facelift anyone?

Its about 1:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday, & what am I doing? sitting on my lazy butt blogging, no I am not ready for the day, I'm still in my Pj's, not showered, No makeup, & my hair is a mess & I actually could care less!

Yep! you guessed it, its that time of the month (ya know that time of the month ladies;)) that time where I have been up since 4:30 this morning because of horrible, horrible cramps, backache, vomiting, and leg numbness. overdosing myself with extra strength Midol and Advil, just knowing exactly what the endometriosis is doing to my body. trying to hold in the tears until Kyle leaves to work and then I let it all out!

The tears because I am in pain, the tears because I am mad, frustrated, and let down.
the tears because after a very expensive but necessary surgery, I was only pain free for two months, after the fertility treatments of me driving kyle insane with my crazy mood swings, and of course once again getting my hopes up.

Why do I do this to myself??

Month after month, the same thing repeats itself, but this month it was different, really different, my body was doing things they did when I was pregnant for the first time, I had every single sign of being pregnant, we were so excited.

Once I started feeling the cramps and pain I got down on my knees and prayed the same thing I do every time this happens, over and over again

"Please Heavenly Father, let me be pregnant, let it be our time to be blessed with a child. I promise we will be good parents, great parents! Just let it be our turn."

Even after a obvious sign that I wasn't pregnant I still prayed hoping that it was just something like... The egg was implanting itself to the uterus?..... or One of my friends had periods through her whole entire pregnancy maybe that is happening to me?....& Is it possible I am having twins, excessive cramping and pain, with some bleeding, I did take fertility for a while??

why do I think these things, am I obsessive?? maybe, or do I just want to keep having faith that I am still pregnant?

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at that point where I just want to give up.

You know that saying, you tell people when they are going through something hard and they tell you they want to give up and you say "The Lord would never put you through anything you can't handle" or "You picked your own trials before you came down to earth"

I always try and tell myself that to try and cheer myself up, to keep me going but then I think

"Why the freak would I choose to go through all this, when that's all I've ever wanted?" why would I do this to myself?

I have been blessed to have a husband who wants me home with our kids, who understands why its important for the mother to be home with the kids if she has that opportunity, and we have been blessed to have those opportunities, Kyle's been lucky enough to find a job that can support us with only one working.

but for a while I thought, I would just go back to work ( ya, I say that like I have had a career or something) I will give him a little break so he doesn't have all the responsibility of supporting us.

easier said than done!

It has been two months and over 60 resumes, and only one interview (a very creepy weird one at that). I can't find a job anywhere, not only because of how the economy is but because I didn't go to college. I had no clue you could get a two year degree in college just to be a receptionist, but apparently that is what everyone is requiring. but I still applied to those jobs that require that thinking someone will just take a chance, nope no luck, I have even been praying about it, that I could find a good job that I would enjoy & then that's when I sarted getting signs and feeliing like I was pregnant, so I thought the Lord was saying "don't go back to work because I am sending you a little bundle of joy, and answering your prayers about being a mom"

Ya I know I over think everything!!!

so right now I am feeling like a total failure! I can't have a child, the thing I am longing for the most, & I can't get a job, I can't even get a stinkin job at Nordsrtoms, HA! not my favorite store anymore, & not just because I can't afford you anymore!

As I have been laying here in pain I feel like I need a face lift, a makeover, something to bring my spirit and confidence up!

what that is I have now clue, I am completely stumped on that one!?