A few days before I was needed in surgery I drove up to Utah by myself.  Kyle couldn't come he had to stay behind and work.  And in all honesty I think he didn't really want to come, not out of a mean way but because what I was going through and had been going through the past year was a little more difficult for him to understand, which I understood. At times. Sometimes I would cry because no matter what I did I couldn't get him to understand how I was feeling, he wasn't rude, he just didn't know how to help me. I didn't even know how to help me!

I would talk to my mom about Kyle not understanding and how I could get him to understand and she told me this.  " your husband wants to do everything he can to take care of you, if you want something he works hard for it and gets it for you, when there is something wrong he will do everything to fix it, but if its something he can't get for you or fix, he is a little lost, give him time and he will figure a way to understand the way you need him to."  And that was exactly right I just needed to have patients and help him understand the best that I can and go through this together.

I had plenty of time to think the very long and boring 4 hour drive back to Utah. I had a whirlwind of emotions and when I finally arrived at my parents it showed.  My parents have been a great support.  They went through infertility for 5 years and were told multiple times they weren't ever going to have children.

The night before the surgery as my anxiety grew bigger about the surgery and what they were going to find, we were eating dinner and we were talking about the surgery and my parents said something as simple as "everything is going to be OK" and that was the last straw, I got angry and said "how do you know" and they told me that I needed to have faith that miracles happen and if I believe in the Lord and have enough faith no matter the outcome of the surgery everything would be OK, and maybe that I wouldn't even have endometriosis.  And I told them that I doubt that would happen, I had no faith. I was scared and anxious.

The next day we drove up to Provo early that morning got everything in order, and was ready to go into surgery the entire time I was getting ready to go in I had this feeling that everything was going to be OK but I would be going through something that would be difficult, that things would change.

After the surgery was over the first thing I remember was the nurses telling me to breathe I guess while I was under for some reason I kept holding my breath. weird I know. After that I was out for another couple of hours. I finally woke up in horrible pain and I was so sick! The first thing I asked my mom was what did they find? She said well its not good he found a large cyst of 12 cm (at 8cm they are supposed to surgically remove them) on my left ovary and they also found a horrible mess of endometriosis stage 4 (being the highest stage of the disease) The surgeon said that it looked like I have had endometriosis for a few years and that after the miscarriage it just went out of control. 

I was devastated! I just wanted to go home.  They told me before we can release you, you have to use the restroom.  I said OK but deep down I was terrified it would hurt, it didn't but it sure did take a few tries the last time I finally told the nurse to get out of the bathroom she said I can't your on heavy pain killers and I don't want you to fall and I said well if you want me to leave so you can get some sleep you need to get out of the bathroom its too embarrassing to go with you in here, so she finally left and that was it, I got to go home! If you know me well, you know I don't do to good coming out of surgeries, or on heavy pain killers, I get a little rude and emotional and the same time!

We finally made it back to my parents house late that night, but not before my mom did a little off- roading and me yelling at her! I talked to Kyle briefly and went to bed I slept well into the next day late into the afternoon.  I was angry and upset, I didn't know what was my first step to do for this disease, I didn't really know anything about the disease and how it was going to effect me. I know I wasn't diagnosed with cancer because that is, I'm sure extremely devastating, but when you get told about a disease you have that you weren't expecting and that isn't curable and that will effect your dreams, and at times your life,and as you get older will effect you in different ways.  Its...I don't know, you go through different stages to try and deal with it and each of those stages takes a while.   And once again Kyle really didn't know how to help me, nobody really did.

A few weeks later I went to my check up, everything was going good and I was healing great. I hadn't felt any pain with my endometriosis and wasn't supposed to for 3 to 6 months. Dr. B put me on clomid 50 mg, and he was confident I would get pregnant. About 2 and a half months later I was having pain.  A month after that it go worse and then it was right back to the way it was before. 

We then started planning for my second surgery...