How could this all get worse?

The entire 3 years that we have went through all our miscarriages and infertility issues we didn't once get kyle tested.  Know where I am getting at!

We didn't think nor did any of the doctors think twice about Kyle getting tested because I had gotten pregnant twice. 

While we were doing our IUI treatments we decided just in case to get Kyle tested.  The first test came back and they told us that the motility of Kyle's sperm was low about 20%.  The motility of sperm is how fast they can reach the egg and if they have enough energy to penetrate the egg if they are sluggish and slow they die before they reach the egg. There are little things here and there that we can do to raise the motility like Kyle not having such a hard work out each time he goes to the gym, eating more fruit, taking more vitamins thing like that.

Then the second test came back and it was the test we were dreading the most just in case there was something wrong.  And there was.  We got a test done called the Kruger test, what they are testing with this is, the sperm has a head that is formed a special way to be able to penetrate the egg and when they take this test they take an egg of an animal (I can't remember which one sorry) and put the sperm in a dish with it to see if it can penetrate the egg.  The lowest they like to see is 15% Kyle was at 3% his sperm head were dis formed and could not penetrate the egg and with the issue with his motility at the same time the 3% that are healthy enough to penetrate the egg never make it to the egg because they are just to sluggish. That is also why the IUI wasn't working the egg where being placed right next to the egg but they couldn't penetrate the eggs another thing to add when you have such severe endometriosis as I do apart of endometriosis is the layer around the egg is harder so it makes it even more difficult for the sperm to enter into the egg. 

The next day we go into my doctors for a ultrasound and I have a cyst that is already 8cm and growing.  So now I can't do the fertility treatments of clomid any more, my doctor sat us down and said well this is what is going on with your issues and now Kyle's issues there is really nothing we can do for you, she gave us a number to call for a In vitro specialist and said good luck, call us when your ready to do your surgery in the winter.

Overwhelming huh!

To add to the overwhelming-ness we have spent 3 years trying so many different things we have payed well over $18,000.00 to end up back to square one! Infertility is extremely expensive and insurance does not cover a thing! All of this has drained our account and the only two options we have left are In vetro or adoption and each will cost us up to $20,000.00 money we don't have.  With each of these options you have to pay up front and in full, and we just do not have the money to do either one. 

It really sucks knowing you have only two options left, and those two options you can't afford and won't be able to afford for a few years, but knowing I don't have time to waste waiting for a few years to be able to afford the only options we have, month by month my endometriosis is getting worse.  Worse than the years before I am racing against this disease and I can't do anything about it,  I could do those shots that put me through a fake menopause but they will be $200.00 a month another payment we just can't do right now.

So as of right now we aren't doing anything, and it is really weird.  We have been doing all this non stop for three years and we just all the sudden have stopped. I don't know how to feel about it because I know each day that goes by I am just letting this disease run crazy in my body. But there is nothing we can do, we just can't afford any of it anymore.  We have gone this far and have gone through so much to finally see our only two options left and we can't even do anything towards them because we have wasted all our money on things that didn't work!

I'm numb, I don't know what to think or do. 

It is really now all in the Lord's hands, there is nothing else we can do, its all completely in the Lord's hands!  And I have full trust and faith in him. One day I will be a mom and Kyle will be a dad,

One day.