HABITS

I am a little stressed out right now! I have a lot on my mind!

and when I have a lot on my mind I write or in this matter type about it, it helps me get it all out and sometimes helps me see what I need to do!

I blame this habit on my mom, she has notebooks after notebooks full of stress, frustration, experiences, & life, & I now have my own little collection of notebooks full of the same things,

Like mother, like daughter I guess!

CAUTION: These are my thoughts, & opinions only, & this will probably be a long post!

First, wasn't conference just awesome this year!?

They talked a lot about Faith, and having hope and having an uplifted spirit! why can't we have an uplifted spirit?? Just because the world is in a dark place right now does not mean we need to be, if we are doing what is right & living our lives the way the Lord wants us to, then why shouldn't we be happy? why shouldn't we have faith & hope?

We all have our own trails right now, no matter if its losing our home, losing a family member, losing our jobs, dealing with an illness, or even as simple as just having a bad day, we all fill the same way. We all get down & have our moments & that's OK, because sometimes we need to have those moments to get our answer or to get it all out, those moments are OK as long as we don't lose our faith and hope!

right now I am having one of those down moments & I am hoping that typing all this down and clearing my head will help me find some answers, not that conference didn't help me, it did! but just the last 24 hours has brought me some stress & confusion.

sometimes when I write things down, I go back through what I have wrote and realize that I need to listen to my own advise!

As I have talked about this last year & all the trails my family and I have faced in recent posts, I am sure you all know what they are so I won't go into detail.

But even though we have faced trail after trail the Lord still seems to bless us no matter if it is BIG or small, no matter if it is noticed by others or something just that person who needed the answer can only see. we are still getting blessed.

I have realized that a lot of my blessings this year have come from being patient, that is very hard for me, to be patient,
I grew up being a spoiled little brat getting what I want when I want it I blame this on you parents!....... no not really, I know you spoiled me out of love & the fact that I was a very persuasive little girl! so this being patient, I am sure you all have learned when you were young, I am just learning at the age of 22!

Another horrible habit of mine, is planning my life out the way I see it happening. I planned on getting married to an amazing guy, which happened so I thought to myself "great! everything is going the way I had planned" I then planned on getting pregnant & having a beautiful child, being a stay at home mom, getting into a beautiful house, having more kids and being a happly ever after family!

we all know what happened next, I had my miscarriage, went through a very long down time and realized (after writing a lot!) that we need to go through the Temple and be sealed so that our children can be born under the covenant. Thinking that solved our problems we began trying again!

A year & a couple of months have past, with getting my hopes up time and time again (I blame myself for that one) a lot of physical & emotional pain, one surgery (and many more to come), and now fertility treatments....

still no baby??

I thought this month was going to be the month, I even told Kyle "this is it, we are going to have a baby, we are going to be successful this month!"

still no baby? the Lord once again had different plans.

Again realizing that, these things that I have planned out aren't done in my time or when I want them to happen, but in the Lord's time when he sees that they need to happen.

But still, I sat up all night and cried, not only because of the disappointment I had with mother nature bringing me a present, but because now that my uterus and ovaries are a clean pallet for the endometriosis to paint yet another master piece on. (very painful!)

I feel like I am running out of time, that we just cleaned everything out to start over, & month after month that we fail to get pregnant the less chance I have of having a child of my own, this next month is the last month I have to be successful on the fertility, if not successful then what?? what is next?

what am I supposed to do? what are my next steps? I asked the Lord over and over last night. In conference Saturday they talked about prayer, he said (sorry the speakers name has slipped my mind) instead of asking the Lord "why?" we need to ask the Lord "what?" what are my next steps?, what will you have me do?

I admit I have repeatedly asked the Lord "why", why me? why now? why can't I be like other women and have a good pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby?

& maybe that's why I haven't got my answer, because I was asking the wrong question.

could it be something that simple??

we will see.

I am still going thank my Heavenly Father for the many blessings he has blessed upon me & my family, I am still going to pay my tithing, study the scriptures and pray daily, fast when I need to fast, attend church, and go to the Temple (oh, how I love to go to the Temple, maybe that's where I need to be, right now!?)

I am going to be patient, and like they said in conference have faith & stay hopeful!