KAEL

A couple of weeks ago, I went with Kailee, Kael, Deja, & Meggan to take some pictures for Kael 2nd birthday and we shot a few of Deja for fun! 

Kailee has been asking me for a while to take some pictures of Kael, it is my hobby but I get really nervous that they wouldn't turn out good, But with a handsome little guy like Kael I think they turned out pretty good! 

I will have to post Deja's pictures soon, she actually wasn't feeling to great and as hot as it was that day I'm sure it didn't make her feel any better, so I only got few of her. I will have to take Deja again soon now that she is feeling a lot better. 

Like I said before I don't think I am a great photographer, its just a hobby and a few months ago I was going to go to school for it but it was just a little too expensive right now, so it will just have to wait! But I really do enjoy taking pictures and seeing how they turn out maybe one day I will go to school and have my own studio.  

Tell me what you think, if you like them or if you don't, if you would change some things, if you have any pointers, your opinion couldn't hurt it will just teach me more!

How could this all get worse?

The entire 3 years that we have went through all our miscarriages and infertility issues we didn't once get kyle tested.  Know where I am getting at!

We didn't think nor did any of the doctors think twice about Kyle getting tested because I had gotten pregnant twice. 

While we were doing our IUI treatments we decided just in case to get Kyle tested.  The first test came back and they told us that the motility of Kyle's sperm was low about 20%.  The motility of sperm is how fast they can reach the egg and if they have enough energy to penetrate the egg if they are sluggish and slow they die before they reach the egg. There are little things here and there that we can do to raise the motility like Kyle not having such a hard work out each time he goes to the gym, eating more fruit, taking more vitamins thing like that.

Then the second test came back and it was the test we were dreading the most just in case there was something wrong.  And there was.  We got a test done called the Kruger test, what they are testing with this is, the sperm has a head that is formed a special way to be able to penetrate the egg and when they take this test they take an egg of an animal (I can't remember which one sorry) and put the sperm in a dish with it to see if it can penetrate the egg.  The lowest they like to see is 15% Kyle was at 3% his sperm head were dis formed and could not penetrate the egg and with the issue with his motility at the same time the 3% that are healthy enough to penetrate the egg never make it to the egg because they are just to sluggish. That is also why the IUI wasn't working the egg where being placed right next to the egg but they couldn't penetrate the eggs another thing to add when you have such severe endometriosis as I do apart of endometriosis is the layer around the egg is harder so it makes it even more difficult for the sperm to enter into the egg. 

The next day we go into my doctors for a ultrasound and I have a cyst that is already 8cm and growing.  So now I can't do the fertility treatments of clomid any more, my doctor sat us down and said well this is what is going on with your issues and now Kyle's issues there is really nothing we can do for you, she gave us a number to call for a In vitro specialist and said good luck, call us when your ready to do your surgery in the winter.

Overwhelming huh!

To add to the overwhelming-ness we have spent 3 years trying so many different things we have payed well over $18,000.00 to end up back to square one! Infertility is extremely expensive and insurance does not cover a thing! All of this has drained our account and the only two options we have left are In vetro or adoption and each will cost us up to $20,000.00 money we don't have.  With each of these options you have to pay up front and in full, and we just do not have the money to do either one. 

It really sucks knowing you have only two options left, and those two options you can't afford and won't be able to afford for a few years, but knowing I don't have time to waste waiting for a few years to be able to afford the only options we have, month by month my endometriosis is getting worse.  Worse than the years before I am racing against this disease and I can't do anything about it,  I could do those shots that put me through a fake menopause but they will be $200.00 a month another payment we just can't do right now.

So as of right now we aren't doing anything, and it is really weird.  We have been doing all this non stop for three years and we just all the sudden have stopped. I don't know how to feel about it because I know each day that goes by I am just letting this disease run crazy in my body. But there is nothing we can do, we just can't afford any of it anymore.  We have gone this far and have gone through so much to finally see our only two options left and we can't even do anything towards them because we have wasted all our money on things that didn't work!

I'm numb, I don't know what to think or do. 

It is really now all in the Lord's hands, there is nothing else we can do, its all completely in the Lord's hands!  And I have full trust and faith in him. One day I will be a mom and Kyle will be a dad,

One day.

As it got closer to my second surgery I really wasn't to worried.  I thought it had only been a year since my first surgery, my endometriosis couldn't be that bad, it couldn't have spread that fast.

Boy was I wrong!

Once again the first of February I went into surgery, it was only supposed to take an hour and a half.  They took me back into the surgical room and put me out the next thing I remember is waking up again in the recovery room, this time I did really well while I was under.

As I was in the recovery room and I was awake and doing good Dr. B came in and told me that the surgery had taken 4 hours instead of the one and a half, once again we had a big mess. But what he wanted to really talk to me about is that the endometriosis was actually worse than last time and that it had spread up onto my liver, I also had another large cyst the same size as last and once again on my left ovary, he told me he should have got my consent before the surgery to take my left ovary out because of how damaged it was and it kept developing the large cysts because of the polo cystic cyst syndrome, but because he didn't get my consent he couldn't take out my ovary. 

The concern he has now is that we are trying to keep the endometriosis to not spread into my intestines and lungs because that is when things can get dangerous. Apart of my stage 4 endometriosis is that it is constantly spreading throughout my body and in my case apparently it is spreading really fast. In reality there is really nothing we can do except to have a hysterectomy, which takes the whole point away of trying for kids, or having surgeries every 6 months which right now we can't afford and if it keeps spreading the way it does I will soon have to start having the surgery twice a year.

After each surgery I have had it has been difficult but I haven't lost my faith and I know sometimes it seems like I have but I know I haven't. I wouldn't have kept going like this for three years.  I have my bad days where I just want to give up but I know I am supposed to be a mother I love children and I believe they are an extremely amazing blessing from the Lord.

I was put back on clomed only 50 mg again and was positive that it was going to work. 

Three months later. Nothing. So I decided to go to Dr. JB she was a little more aggressive in different options. I felt like I needed someone a little more aggressive at this point because I am in a race against this disease, I don't have time to waste. She decided to try IUI (artificial insemination).  Kyle was a little nervous for this, because he hasn't had to do anything medically on his part as of this point, and it was extremely awkward.  I am used to the awkwardness with all the different doctors appointments I have been through. But this was different.

It was a Sunday and we needed to go in because what happens in this process is that you take an ovulation test every day until you ovulate, once you get a positive test you call into the reproductive center and make an appointment for the next day this day happened to be a Sunday.  I will admit it was a little weird being in a doctors office on a Sunday collecting sperm when we were supposed to be in church.  It also takes away that special moment or bond of creating a baby together, with this you are in a doctors office laying on a bed with your husband sitting by your side as the nurse makes small talk while moving the cervix into place (OUCH!) and injects the sperm with a small catheter like tube, and then you lay there for ten minutes with your hips elevated. Romantic isn't it! 

I thought it was going to work. I was actually pretty confident it was.  And then I started feeling pregnancy signs. We got our hopes up, because two weeks later the pregnancy test was negative and that same day I started my period. It was a huge let down and we were crushed.

Again we were at square one and didn't know what was a head of us.

It just gets worse.

A few days before I was needed in surgery I drove up to Utah by myself.  Kyle couldn't come he had to stay behind and work.  And in all honesty I think he didn't really want to come, not out of a mean way but because what I was going through and had been going through the past year was a little more difficult for him to understand, which I understood. At times. Sometimes I would cry because no matter what I did I couldn't get him to understand how I was feeling, he wasn't rude, he just didn't know how to help me. I didn't even know how to help me!

I would talk to my mom about Kyle not understanding and how I could get him to understand and she told me this.  " your husband wants to do everything he can to take care of you, if you want something he works hard for it and gets it for you, when there is something wrong he will do everything to fix it, but if its something he can't get for you or fix, he is a little lost, give him time and he will figure a way to understand the way you need him to."  And that was exactly right I just needed to have patients and help him understand the best that I can and go through this together.

I had plenty of time to think the very long and boring 4 hour drive back to Utah. I had a whirlwind of emotions and when I finally arrived at my parents it showed.  My parents have been a great support.  They went through infertility for 5 years and were told multiple times they weren't ever going to have children.

The night before the surgery as my anxiety grew bigger about the surgery and what they were going to find, we were eating dinner and we were talking about the surgery and my parents said something as simple as "everything is going to be OK" and that was the last straw, I got angry and said "how do you know" and they told me that I needed to have faith that miracles happen and if I believe in the Lord and have enough faith no matter the outcome of the surgery everything would be OK, and maybe that I wouldn't even have endometriosis.  And I told them that I doubt that would happen, I had no faith. I was scared and anxious.

The next day we drove up to Provo early that morning got everything in order, and was ready to go into surgery the entire time I was getting ready to go in I had this feeling that everything was going to be OK but I would be going through something that would be difficult, that things would change.

After the surgery was over the first thing I remember was the nurses telling me to breathe I guess while I was under for some reason I kept holding my breath. weird I know. After that I was out for another couple of hours. I finally woke up in horrible pain and I was so sick! The first thing I asked my mom was what did they find? She said well its not good he found a large cyst of 12 cm (at 8cm they are supposed to surgically remove them) on my left ovary and they also found a horrible mess of endometriosis stage 4 (being the highest stage of the disease) The surgeon said that it looked like I have had endometriosis for a few years and that after the miscarriage it just went out of control. 

I was devastated! I just wanted to go home.  They told me before we can release you, you have to use the restroom.  I said OK but deep down I was terrified it would hurt, it didn't but it sure did take a few tries the last time I finally told the nurse to get out of the bathroom she said I can't your on heavy pain killers and I don't want you to fall and I said well if you want me to leave so you can get some sleep you need to get out of the bathroom its too embarrassing to go with you in here, so she finally left and that was it, I got to go home! If you know me well, you know I don't do to good coming out of surgeries, or on heavy pain killers, I get a little rude and emotional and the same time!

We finally made it back to my parents house late that night, but not before my mom did a little off- roading and me yelling at her! I talked to Kyle briefly and went to bed I slept well into the next day late into the afternoon.  I was angry and upset, I didn't know what was my first step to do for this disease, I didn't really know anything about the disease and how it was going to effect me. I know I wasn't diagnosed with cancer because that is, I'm sure extremely devastating, but when you get told about a disease you have that you weren't expecting and that isn't curable and that will effect your dreams, and at times your life,and as you get older will effect you in different ways.  Its...I don't know, you go through different stages to try and deal with it and each of those stages takes a while.   And once again Kyle really didn't know how to help me, nobody really did.

A few weeks later I went to my check up, everything was going good and I was healing great. I hadn't felt any pain with my endometriosis and wasn't supposed to for 3 to 6 months. Dr. B put me on clomid 50 mg, and he was confident I would get pregnant. About 2 and a half months later I was having pain.  A month after that it go worse and then it was right back to the way it was before. 

We then started planning for my second surgery...

About a month after my miscarriage Kyle and I drove to St. George for some weekend fun to get my mind off things!

The day started off great and we were having fun shopping, as we were in a store I all the sudden had this horrible pain, I told Kyle that I thought it was a good idea if we left, he agreed and as we were headed out the door the pain got even worse I went into the Ladies room because I felt like I was going to puke! as I was standing in the bathroom the pain just got worse, I have NEVER felt this much pain before in my life, and it is so very hard to explain, it felt like I was getting stabbed repeatedly every time I moved. As the pain grew more intense I felt very sick and light headed and then all the sudden everything went black!

The next thing I knew I woke up on the floor of the bathroom in horrible pain with a lady standing over me asking me if I was OK, I told her my husband was out the door and I managed to get up and walk out I got to the car and we left and headed towards Nevada (where we lived was only a hour from St. George) the pain got more intense and Kyle drove as fast as he could, we made it home in a record time!

I thought it was just another bad month of my cycle and maybe I had a cyst that was bursting, Kyle gave me some pain killers from my stash (yes I have a stash of pain killers because the Endometriosis and Poly cystic cyst syndrome is extremely painful, and NO I am not a pill popper I only take them when I absolutely need them!) He got my heating pad out for me and laid me down, as I was in and out of sleep the pain didn't go away, about 3 in the morning I finally woke Kyle up and told him I needed to go to the hospital so he rushed me to Mesquite hospital.

At the hospital they got me in pretty quickly and started doing tests right away, each test they did they couldn't find anything, I was so frustrated so as they gave me morphine to calm the pain we did even more tests, still nothing and after a little more morphine I finally dozed off to sleep for a few hours.  

They never saw anything and guessed that it was a cyst that had burst and sent us home about 1 in the afternoon that next day. 

I didn't think to go and get a second opinion I was just glad it was over with and prayed I would never feel that pain ever again but a few months later it happened again, and again a few months after that.

My parents came down to spend some time with us during the summer and while they were down there we ran into some family friends and she started explaining how her oldest daughter had this disease called endometriosis and everything she was explaining was everything I was going through, the pain, the nausea, the infertility, she said I needed to go get checked and the only way they could really tell and diagnose you is if they did a scope, a scope is where they make 2 little cuts by each of your hips and take a camera and look around and see what they can find. 

I have had plenty of doctors since the very young age of 12 say they have tested or did a ultrasound to see if I have endometriosis and each and every single one of them said I didn't and that I probably only had poly cystic cyst syndrome and the only thing they could do for me on that was to take birth control, and that may have worked for some but for me did the exact opposite! So everything that I have gone through isn't anything new this all started at the age of 12 for me I was in extreme pain at the very beginning of when I first started my menstrual cycle and it just got worse.

After we had talked to our family friend I really didn't think twice about going in for a scope, I hadn't felt the pain for a while, and I felt like we still had a chance that we could get pregnant.  A few months later  and no baby the pain came back and it stayed.

Its hard to explain the constant pain I feel, the constant of it is more like a dull cramping that most women feel when they start there week, and a few times through out the day I get a sharp stabbing or ripping or like something is caught pain, and then when I start my week it actually gets worse and the pain is like giving birth naturally, having the flu, your legs go numb with pain and you can't move.  I obviously learned later what each pain was, the stabbing is when the endometriosis attaches to you uterus, ovaries, small intestines, large intestines, liver, bladder, and anything else it can get a hold of sticking and pulling together, the feeling like something is caught is when it all attaches to everything and you go to move or twist or sit up straight and you feel like something is stuck inside you and you can't move and if you do you get the ripping pain and that obviously is when the endometriosis finally rips away from whatever it is attached to and then you get scare tissue and that is a whole other kind of pain, and so is the cysts, so I have three very painful things going on and they all have there own horrible pain, and I am learning how to tell which pain is which so that when I go into the doctors I can explain what is going on  to help them know what tests they need to do to see what is going on.

It really, well plainly sucks! that I have to try and figure out what pain is what I just wish I could go in once and they can fix it and I can be done with it, but if I am going to help the doctors at least try and get this disease under control it is what I need to do, but it still sucks!

After the pain stayed we decided to contact a specialist and go ahead with the surgery, I was nervous because I think I knew deep down that I had what I had, but I didn't think it was going to be as bad as it was...

The Beginning.

Kyle and I were married on July 20th, 2007, it was a very hot day, it was actually the exact same day the fire started in Nephi canyon. There are things I look back on and would definitely change, like the photographer we used, that's a story for another day! But the one thing I wouldn't change is the man I married. He's perfect!

Isn't it funny that when a couple first gets married people ask "so when are you going to start trying for kids?" likes its completely up to us!

 We got asked plenty of times and we would always say " oh, not for two years or more" and I really wasn't planning on having any kids till then, again likes its up to us!

About 2 months after we were married I kept having this feeling like we needed to try for a baby, Kyle on the other hand didn't want to hear anything about trying for a baby! So a month came and went and I still had this feeling gnawing at me to try for a baby, so I prayed. I prayed for Kyle's heart to be softened so that we could try for a child and a few days later Kyle agreed to start trying!

Now i wasn't expecting to get pregnant the first time we tried, but I did!

I kept having these pregnancy signs and I just kept telling myself no way it couldn't have happened the first time we tried but on my birthday I took a test and it was positive, the best present I could ask for!

We didn't tell our family members, we wanted it to be a surprise! we had it all planned out, on Christmas we would have everyone open there presents and they would be shirts with labels on them that said grandma, grandpa, aunt ,uncle and then we would break the news. We never got to surprise them.

I stayed up in Utah at my parents a week before Christmas but Kyle was going back home to go to work, I remember the night he left I told him I had changed my mind and I wanted to go with him back home he asked why and I told him I had a bad feeling like something wasn't right or that something was going to happen, he told me everything was OK like a good husband.

Two nights before Christmas Eve, I started to feel pain, cramping, and then some bleeding came, so I called my friend Lauren and asked her what she thought.  I didn't want to talk to my mom because if it wasn't anything I didn't want to ruin the surprise. The next morning the bleeding got worse so I finally went the doctors and they told me I was having a miscarriage.

Sitting in the ultrasound room by myself praying my hardest that when the picture showed my baby everything was going to be fine, as she found my baby she looked at me and excused herself, there wasn't a heart beat, the doctor came in and told me that they don't know why but the baby died about 5 days before, she then left the room so I could be alone, and alone I felt. I sat in that room and cried I then left the hospital.

On the way home I remember calling Kyle and telling him what had happened he tried to understand his best and offered to leave Nevada that night I told him to wait till the morning.

That night I told my parents I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down, I am glad I had my parents there that night to help me through all of it, they have there own experience with miscarriages, they went through 6!

I remember Christmas morning I wasn't excited at all because we had no surprise to tell.

We all have our lives planned out the way we want it to go, but we forget that its not always up to us on some things. My plan, Get married to an amazing guy..check! Have fun for a few years being newlyweds... half check? save money for a house...half check? have a baby....umm??

It didn't work out at all the way we had it planned and I know there is a reason for that but sometimes the Lord knows best or things need to happen or we go through a trial that changes our plans.

For a while after the miscarriage I was very angry and confused, at first I was thinking why? why, would the Lord bless me with a child and take it away from me? I tried to deal with it on my own and that wasn't the right way.

I thought how am I going to make it through all this hurt? I obviously didn't know what I was going to be going through the next 3 years....

I love these pictures, these two have a special bond

The last time I had posted I told you that we would be finding out if I got pregnant or not from the IUI (artificial insemination) and how I felt some pregnancy signs, well we aren't expecting, the test was negative.

For some reason this last month was a hard one for me, I obviously got my hopes up and then they came crashing down, nothing new, I do this every month. It's just that this month was different we were moving forward doing something new and I swear I was pregnant! With all the signs and how I felt but I wasn't, and this is when I have my down days where I go through a grieving process everyone in this situation I know understands about this grieving process for me it goes a little something like this...

When I first find out that I am not pregnant, and my period comes the first 24 hours I am on pain killers because I hurt real bad! so I'm usually out of it.

after that I don't want to get out of bed I just want to feel sorry for myself for a little bit.

I cry

then I get angry,

confused ,

I start to question,

I get frustrated,

cry some more,

I pray and pray and pray

and last I feel like everything is going to be OK and to keep trying.

and last but certainly not least I have an amazing support system, with Kyle, my family, and friends. That's what helps me get through this month by month is every ones support and prayers and my heart is filled with enormous gratitude!

I love you all! and mom thank you for the very long and needed talk it helped me a lot!

That's what I go through every month, well at least a glimpse of what I feel and are trying to understand as I go through all this, there is a whole other side to it besides the infertility part of the decease. but that's for another day.

So this month, what are we doing different? well I went to another doctor she is a female and I thought that maybe she would be able to understand a little bit better of where I am coming from, not that Dr. JB isn't an excellent doctor because he is and he will continue to keep doing my surgeries, and is still my main doctor.

but Dr. B is ready to help me with different options and that's what we need right now

and I will go into more detail of it all next post.

I have all these journals around my house that I keep so whenever I need to write I do, and I feel like it is important to write down every experience we have so that when we do have children and say I'm having a bad day, because my child is teething, or sick, or just really grumpy you know those days where the mom just needs to have a few moments alone to collect her thoughts! well when I have one of those days I can go back and look at my journals and see everything we went through to have that child and then my bad day can turn back to good and I can look at my family and see how blessed I am to have one of my own, something I always have wanted (something I will have one day! )

but I also feel like its not enough I feel like I need to write down my experience not just in my personal journals but in my blog as well and I have done that to a point but its been more complaining and of just my bad days, so after a few days of clearing my head I have decided to make this blog about what we are going through not just the bad days, the good days, the confused days,our different tests and doctors visits it will be about how I felt at that moment. It's going to be personal because its my own personal experience, and I will most definitely have my own opinion in this blog, because lets face it what we are going through is a very personal thing and I need you to respect that, but I also don't want you to be afraid to write a comment or read it, it just gives you a better outlook on what couples go through with infertility, and who knows it may help someone or someone can come upon my blog and write something that I needed to hear, that has happened plenty of times. I will start at the beginning of our journey and catch up to where we are now, just one warning it really is a roller coaster of emotions, and if you don't want to read about it then that's fine don't because it really is for me so that I can look back on this trial when I need to see how blessed I am.

Because I truly am blessed!